Croth's Absurd Celestian Adventure
by BemnalTheFallen
Summary: A 'sort of' sequel to Grotimnos' Absurd Hospital Adventure. One day, Grotimnos the Necromancer brags to his friend Croth the Dragon about how many mares he's had. Not wanting to be outshown; Croth sets out after his oldest and most hated enemy: Celestia, with less than pure intensions. attempts at breaking into the castle and failing over and over ensue.


Croth's Absurd Celestian Adventure

A 'sort of' sequel to Grotimnos' Absurd Hospital Adventure. One day, Grotimnos the Necromancer brags to his friend Croth the Dragon about how many mares he's had. Not wanting to be outshown; Croth sets out after his oldest and most hated enemy: Celestia, with less than pure intensions. attempts at breaking into the castle and failing over and over ensue.

***Disclaimer***

I do not own My Little Pony Friendship is Magic nor do I have any affiliations to it, its producers, or its benefactors and make no money off of this work of fiction. Please support the official release. Same goes for any other show/movie/game refferences within this story.

***Disclaimer***

Ivory: BemnalTheFallen

Grotimnos: Grotimnos

Croth: thepoliticalmachine

Chapter One, Let insanity reign

Croth the Red Dragon sat atop a hill next to his freind Grotimnos the Unicorn Necromancer; the two were discussing the various particulars of life specifically; who's a more manly man?

"Hey! I guarded the Staff of Wishing!" Croth shouted.

"Ya! In a different timeline! In which thy got anihilated 9 times in alternate endings!"

"SHUT UP! OK, toughness aside, what about the most basic of manly man manlyness?"

Groty rubbed his chin, "hmm... score board?"

Croth nodded, "very well. How many mares have you been with?"

Groty smirked, "50."

"What?!" Croth balked, "bull crap." he said with with an unamused expression.

Grotimnos waved his hooves, "We swear! We've been with like, 50 mares; all hot."

Croth narrowed his eyes, "hmm..."

Grotimnos put a hoof on his chest, "We swear! Scout's honor!"

Croth blinked, "you were a scout?"

"No, but mine previous statement remains." the Necromancer replied firmly.

Croth stroked a non-existant beared, "hmm..."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"How many times hast thou gotten laid?" asked Grotimnos.

Croth raised a claw and opened his mouth... only for it to close again... then open... then close... "Huh..." he scratched his chin.

Grotimnos gave a ceeky smile, "thou art a virgin!"

"SHUT UP!" Croth waved his claws around while his wings flapped, "I can get laid any time I want!"

"Prove it!"Grotimnos said with a challenging grin.

"FINE! I'll mount something by tomorrow so help me Akatosh!" Croth shouted back defiantly.

XXXXX

Croth soared through the air grumbling to himself; "frickin... stupid Groty... frickin... gosh... thinks I can't get laid..."

Croth thought upon what lucky Dragoness would become his mate... but then he decided that like Spike; he'd spent so much time around ponies that he found mares more atractive then his own species!

"Wow, I have problems..." Shaking his head in resignation; he decided upon his initial goal of chasing a mare... but who?

Hm... it would have to be somepony large, he was a sub-adult Dragon after all, and it would need to be a very important and influential pony that he could brag about... and then he locked his idea onto the perfect target!

"CELESTIA!" He blurted out! His oldest, most hated enemy! The idea of being intimate with such a vile being was nauseating at best but... he refusd to be outshown by Groty!

And so, he set his sights on Canterlot! TO VICTORY!

XXXXX

"WHY CAN'T I FIND MY WAY AROUND THIS PLACE?!" Croth shouted as he mussed his spikes. He looked around the city, constantly drifting left and right; bumping into ponies and at one point he even crashed into a lemon stand at one point.

A white Unicorn with a long platinum mane stopped by the Dragon and looked down at him blinking, "Croth?"

The Dragon looked up to see his other friend, Ivory; "Oh... hey... why are you standing on the ceiling?"

"You're upsidedown..."

"Really? OOF! Huh... it seems I was..." Croth hopped back up to his feet and dusted himself off; "right! If you'll excuse me, I have a Princess to fornicate with." and with that, he marched off towards the palace leaving a very bewildered looking Ivory behind him who shook his head a few times before catching up; "hold on, WHAT?!"

"You heard me!" Croth responded.

Ivory continued trotting, mouth agape, "... WHAT?!"

Croth groaned, "Groty says he's slept with like 50 mares, so I wanna show him up by bucking Celestia's brains out!"

Ivory blinked, "... WHAT?!"

"You know, if you keep your face in that position it'll stay like that." quipped Croth.

At last, they arrived in front of the palace. By this point, Ivory had managed to shut his mouth and shake his head a few times, "OK wait... you want... to try and... to buck Celestia?!"

"Yep."

"... are you insane..."

"Pretty much."

"... you know, this is gonna end horribly.."

"most likely."

Croth tapped his lips as he looked the castle up and down; what was the best way to get in? Hm... well, why not go in the front door?

...

Five minutes later.

...

Croth was tossed outside the castle by the guards.

Ivory stared, unamused at the Dragon's prone form, "... you tried to just walk on in didn't you?"

"You got a better idea?!" Croth snapped.

"How about stealth?"

"hmm..."

XXXXX

"This is a REALLY bad idea..." Ivory said frowning as he stared at Croth who flexed his wings; "pfff, what could go wrong? I just fly up into her room with this jar of nutella and say PRINCESS! IT'S GO TIME!"

"... why do I feel like you're making a refference to something..." Ivory asked with narrowed eyes.

Croth shrugged, "beats me, here we go!" and off he went; flying higher and higher and- "AAAAAAHHHHH!"

Aaaand, he plummeted to the ground with a very painful sounding 'poof'

Ivory cringed, then he stepped near the crater that had once been Croth; "You OK?"

"nnngghhglll..."

"... ya, you're fine..."

XXXXX

Croth cracked his neck as he stared at the castle, "stupid... frickin... anti flying magic... fricking... precaution against Changelings... frickin... bull crap!" after grumbling for a bit; he suited up in a ridiculous outfit of suction cups before leaping at the wall and sticking to it comedically.

Ivory stared, "... this is going to end soooo badly..."

"STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE!" Croth yelled before climbing up the wall with a series of 'pop' sounds as each suction cup was plied away from the stone. All the while, Ivory stood watching with a half agape mouth, "I can't belief I'm actually witnessing this..."

Several ponies gathered to see the red Dragon scaling the walls of Canterlot Castle; "what's that?"

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"What's a plane?"

"I dunno, it just felt like the appropriate thing to say..."

Croth ignroed them all as he climbed higher and higher and higher and higher!

And then Luna slammed open a window; "AHH! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY MINE SISTER HATH FORGED!"

Croth yelped as the window shutters nearly knocked him off the wall.

Luna looked down, "WHAT ART THOU DOING UPON OUR CASTLE WALL YOUNG DRAKE?!"

The sheer force of Luna's RCV knocked Croth off his secure adheasion to the wall causing him to plummet towards the ground while hitting EVERY. SINGLE. FLAG POLE. With his nuts.

"ARGH!" his eye twited as he landed on a pole between his legs, "uuugghhll." and then fell off at a spinning angle before hitting yet another flagpole... then another... aaaand another... and another... and another. "OW!" OOH!" AWHGHGHG..." "COME ON!" "AWWW NO WAYYY! AAARGHH"

And finally he hit the ground... landing on solid cement. "ugh... ohhh my dragon balls..."

Ivory stepped over him, "... you brought this on yourself..."

"Screw... you... ughghgghghglll" Croth's head fell to the side as his tongue lolled out

X.X

"Croth?"

"..."

"Croth..."

"..."

XXXXX

Croth now stood atop a teeter totter looking device with a large tower near the opposite end.

Ivory looked down from atop the tower, "... do you REALLY want to do this?"

Croth waved his claw dismissively, "pff, relax, this thing is Rainbow Dash approoved."

"... I'm even less sure abou this than I was two seconds ago..." Ivory's ears folded back.

"Just jump!"

"... it's been nice knowing you." and with that, Ivory lept from the tower and landed on the opposite side of the lever launching Croth through the air like a bullet.

Higher and higher he soared through the sky this was it! He'd finally enter through Celestia's windo-and he completely over shot the castle... and kept going... and going... and going...

Croth blinked, "wow... now I know what it's like to use a Scroll of Icarian Flight in Morrowind... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... ... hm... ... ... ..." Croth crossed his arms behind his head and began whistling a tune as he soared through the air.

After about two hours; he slammed into a river so far North he entered Skryim. There he landed in a river and was yanked downstream; popping his head out of the water he looked around, "huh... well... that wasn't so bad..."

Aaaaand then there was the waterfall, "OH GEEZE!" he began swimming in the opposite direction as fast as he could until he suddenly fell down the waterfall and slammed into a series of sharp rocks, "uhhhhghghghghlll..."

Then a Skryim Dragon landed nearby the banks, "YO DRAKE! YA'LL JUST GOT YOUR BUT HANDED TO YA DIPSTICK!"

"I DON'T NEED CRITICISM FROM AN ASEXUAL WYVERN PRETENDING TO BE A DRAGON!" Croth shot back... before falling down yet ANOTHER waterfall, "AAAAAAHHHHH WHO DESIGNED THE LANDSCAPE OF THIS PAAAAAAAAAA..." his voice faded out as he fell down countless yards before veering off course and slamming into a mountain.

"UGH! FRICKING SKYRIM MOUNTAINS! OOF! AAH! URK! HURK! UGL!" again and again he slammed into an outstretched rock after outstretched rock for what he thought must have been a mile until finally slamming into the ground.

"Ughhh..." shakilly he got to his feet and heard somepony yell out, "DRAGON!"

"Huh?" he turned to see an entire war band of Whiterun Guards charging for him, "WHAT?! HOW DID I EVEN GET NEAR WHITERUN!"

"Kill the beast!" "For Skryim!" "For my knee! Which coincidantally took the same arrow as thirty other guards! Hua!"

Croth ran in the opposite direction screaming for his life.

XXXXX

"OK... I give up... I need to go full Ninja here..." and thus, he went to the craziest, most masterfully skilled Ninja he knew... Pinkie Pie!

"Hmm..." Pinkie tapped her chin, "sooo... you wish to learn the arts of the fourth wall eh?"

Croth nodded fervently; "but I only have 10 hours before tomorrow!"

Pinkie closed her eyes and gave a sagely nod, "hmmm... then... we shall need... A MONTAGE!"

MONTAGE TIIIIME!

*Rising up! Back to the streeeeet!*

Croth snuck trhough a bunch of corridors causing nails to creak; after which, Pinkie whacked him on the head with a rolling pin, "AGAIN!"

*And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the nigh, and he's watching us all with the eeeeeyyyeeee! ... of the tiger!*

Croth engaged in high speed martial arts with Pinkie Pie before ending up tied into a prezzle, "WHAT?! HOW'D THIS EVEN HAPPEN?!"

*Rising up! Straight to the tooop, have the guts, got the gloorrrry...*

Croth pumped furiously as he churned butter in a berral, "wait... what does this have to do with being a Ninja?!" Pinkie whacked him on the head again with her rolling pin, "DO NOT QUESTION YOUR SENSEI GRASSHOPPER!"

XXXXX

It was night... Croth was sneaking through the castle... the darkness enraptured his body as he teleported from vase, to cookie cutter, to toilet, to painting... and then he teleported into Blueblood's pillow for some bizarre reason.

"GAH?! What are you doing in my royal chambers?!" Blueblood shireked like the little sissy he was.

Croth blinked, "... um... I'm... like... sort of... trying to..." he rubbed his calw on the back of his head, "mountCelestiaandravageherponyplotsoIcanbragtomyfr iend? Eheh?" he said at high speed with a big abashed grin acompanied by a *squee*

Blueblood blinked... Then he kicked Croth out of his bedchambers into the hallway.

The Dragon stood blinking, "uh... OK..." he got up and dusted himself off before heading towards Celestia's chambers; unfortunately, he was so distracted that he didn't see the guard rounding the corner.

"AAAAH!" Croth yelped at much the same time as the guard.

Aaaaand then began the chase through the castle. Croth ran through several doors along a corridor as did the guards; but each door led to another one at the start of the hallway. heading out into another door only to repeat the process.

Croth paused, "I feel like another refference is being made..."

And then he bumped straight into Celestia, "WOAH?!" he jumped just as the Sun Goddess turned around to face him.

"Uhhhh... h-hey!"

And then the guards caught up! Wonderful...

"Stop!... Right... There!" the guards huffed as they panted.

Celestia rose an eye brow, "what is the meaning of this?"

Croth's eye twitch as he froze, "... ..." Welp... only one way out now; he got down on one knee and held Celestia's hoof in his claw, "Oh Celestia! I cannot deny this any longer! I am in love with you!"

The guards stopped dead in theri tracks as some of them even fell over.

Celestia blinked in surprise.

"MY love for you burns with the intensity of a thousand suns!" Croth began reciting every cheesy romance line he could think of; "I've been hanging around the mistletoe hoping to taste your lips in a kiss! I'd miss you even if we never met! Life is not the amount of breaths to take, it's the moments that take your breath away." he reached up and kissed Celestia on the lips.

The diarch shook her head in shock, "I... uh... I... th-this is all so sudden..."

The guards were now sniffling and blowing their noses as if watching a romance movie.

Croth pressed his finger ot her lips, "shhh, you had me... at hello."

Celestia's cheeks flushed pink, "I w-well... I'm not quite sure I understand-" "-you don't have to understand... you just have to have faith..."

"F-faith in what?"

"Destiny!" Croth cupped Celestia's cheek, "we were meant to be..."

"Oh Croth!"

"Oh Celestia!"

The palace guards teared up and cried at the beautiful sight.

"UGH! What is the meaning of all this racket?!" Blueblood shouted as he entered the hallway.

Croth whipped around to face him. The Unicorn blinked, "ah, I see you were serious in your quest to lay with my aunt so that you could... 'brag to your friend' such a crude wording," he scoffed, "peasants..." and then walked away.

Croth stood petrified, staring blankly at the spot where Blueblood had been, "that... idiot..." was it hot in here? The guards were looked terrified as they backed up. Wonder why that could be?

Croth very slowly turned around... and there he saw the horrifying sight of a pissed off and betrayed looking godess; Celestia's eyes burning white; her mane lit ablaze in blue fire.

Croth gulped.

XXXXX

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The Dragon fled through the air as half the royal guard chased him.

Eventually he lossed them somewhere in Morrowind of all places (go figure)

Croth hid amongst the southern islands East of Vivec; "phew... FRICKIN BLUEBLOOD! WHAT UNHOLY GREATER POWER IS WORKING AGAINST ME?!"

And then, Talking Mudcrab scuttled by rubbing his claws together, "alll acording to plaaaan... muahahahahahaha."

Croth stared with a bland face, "... WAT..."

XXXXX

Croth managed to drag his way back to the hill where he'd been sitting with Grotimnos before...

The orange setting sun filled the sky.

And then Ivory joined them, "so, how'd your quest to mount Celestia go?"

Croth looked at him with a death glare, "don't... ask..."

"Yipes! Sorry..."

Grotimnos put a hoof on the Dragon's shoulder, "look, if it makes thou feel any better... We were lying about the 50 mares thing... We were just trying to sound cool..."

Croth's eye twitched, "... meh... I don't have the energy to eat a pony anymore..." he fell on his back, "ugggh..."

"Hey look!" Ivory pointed a hoof, "it's Fleur De Lis! Let's take out our frustrations on her!"

"YAY!" Grotimnos cried as he pulled out a scythe.

The three of them chased Fleur around the meadow with torches and pitchforks screaming obscenities at her.

"WHY DOES EVERYPONY HATE MEEEEHEHEHEHEEEEE!" she sobbed.

XXXXX

Afterwards, the three friends were once again sitting atop the hill with hard cider in their hooves/claw.

They tilted back and forth as they sung, "what would you do with a drunken sailor? what would you do with a drunken sailor? what would you do with a drunken sailor? Early in the morrrnin'!"

XXXXX

Celestia and luna danced around the stars, "shave is belly with a rusty razor! shave is belly with a rusty razor! shave is belly with a rusty razor! Early in the morrrnin'!"

XXXXX

Talking Mudcrab sung, "put him in a longboat 'til he's sober! put him in a longboat 'til he's sober! put him in a longboat 'til he's sober! Early in the morrrnin'!"

XXXXX

The credits sailed across the screen as Ivory, Croth, and Grotimnos stood up on their hind legs with their arms over each other's shoulders swaying back and forth as their cider glasses sloshed around, "Put him in the bed with the Captain's daughter! Put him in the bed with the Captain's daughter! Put him in the bed with the Captain's daughter! Early morrrrnin'!"

XXXXX

All of the Canterlot guard joined in the sung as the movie credits came to a close, "That's what you do with a drunken sailor! That's what you do with a drunken sailor! That's what you do with a drunken sailor! Early in the morrrrnin'!"

THE END!


End file.
